Allegedly authentic complaints received by Local Councils from their
 tenants.....
 
 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
 knob off.
 I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
 put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
 Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my
 fence.  Not only is this making a hell of a noise, but the fence is
 now sagging in the middle.
 This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next
 door.
 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
 wall.
 I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside
 toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
 The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
 cleared.
 Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
 and not fit to drink.
 I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
 5.30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.
 It's all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on
 back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr. Docherty
 next door and at my age it's too much.
 The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
 unsightly and dangerous.
 Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
 third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
 The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?
 I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased
 if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on
 top of me every night.
 Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the
 wife.
 Can you send a carpenter to the house. When the woman next door closed
 the door the other night, she pulled at my knob too hard and now it's
 ready to fall off.
 We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden
 before we move into the house.
 I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but
 still have no satisfaction.
 
 
 

A modern Christmas Tale.....
============================
 
'T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
 
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
 
Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com
 
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
 
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
 
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.
 
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
 
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
 
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away -wow!"
 
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
 
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

 

 

Some more jokes
===============
    
  The best newspaper headlines of 1998 are:
      
       1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
      
       2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
      
       3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
      
       4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
      
       5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
      
       6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus
      
       7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
      
       8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
      
       9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
      
       10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
      
       11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
      
       12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
      
       13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
      
       14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
      
       15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
      
       16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
      
       17. War Dims Hope for Peace
      
       18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
      
       19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
      
       20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
      
       21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
      
       22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
      
       23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
      
       24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
      
       25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
      
       26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
      
       27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
      
       28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
      
       29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
      
       30.  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

======================================================================
 This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
 ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

 Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid
 a collision.

 Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
 avoid a collision.

 Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
 to the South to avoid a collision.

 Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
 divert YOUR course.

 Canadians:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
 LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE
 ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
 NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
 COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
 ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

 ???????